FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
Firstly, I am no ‘guru’ in this area but I take seriously all my relationships with people. I do read a bit on the topic of Relationships such as between spouses, friends, others and also with our own children. The exponential increase in the rate of divorces all over the world is firstly alarming and secondly, rather frightening. I strongly believe that the whole social structure of the human race depends on the success of the basic institution of marriage and family. A breakdown at this level will eventually lead to a breadown in our societies.
I came across Dov Heller, a licensed psychotherapist with a private practice in Los Angeles and the Director of the Relationship Institute. For more information about Dov Heller please read her Biography which is quite respectable.
I read one of her many articles and I think is a very good guide to finding your spouse! I reproduced here so that others can get some great tips on the issue of finding and keeping your life partner!
FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
by Dov Heller, M.A.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: ‘We’re in love’; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound ‘not politically correct’, there’s a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: ‘You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone’; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won’t get ‘punished’; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as ’someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ‘.
So ask about your significant other:
What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc..
How do they treat their parents and siblings?
Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?
You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to ‘improve’; them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it: ‘You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse’. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework.
Another perspective…
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention…Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones don’t appreciate you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations.
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states, ‘Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye’. Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that important.
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and ‘a life’; you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.
Women’s Heart Aches
August 22, 2008 | By | In Fun
To me, words are ever so important in our lives. They are the means of communication among we humans. The written word is even more astonishing and let me share some light moments with you regarding Words in the English Language.
We have all read about the Battle of the Sexes and many problems in a woman’s life involved the other half! Here are some examples of the common problems women have and noticed how much men are involved in them.
1. MENtalillness or MENtal-breakdown.
2. MENstrual Cramps.
3. MENopause.
4. GUYnecologists.
The really serious problem here :-
5. HISterectomy.
In closing, have you ever noticed the following ?
Woman has man in it.
Mrs. has Mr in it.
Female has male in it.
She has he in it.
Madam has adam in it.
Perhaps now we can understand women’s problems better! Enjoy!
Guo Jingjing of China
August 21, 2008 | By | In Buzz
Among all the athletes at the Beijing Olympics, I find Guo Jingjing is such a beauty! She has a body that is the dream of many women and the looks to go with it. Even Rock thinks she is beautiful, We can see her
natural beauty from the diving event where Guo Jingjing got her Gold Medal! She was without make-up at all.
Here are some photos of Guo Jingjing and I am not surprised to find out that she do some modelling work too.
Another beautiful woman from that part of the world is non-other than Mongolian Model Altantuya Shaaribu who was involved in a high-profile murder case in Malaysia. It was such a tragic end for a beautiful woman.
Unique Day 20082008
August 20, 2008 | By | In Family
I guess many would have noticed that today 20th August 2008 is rather unique if we view them as numbers “20082008″. I guess this will happen again on 2oth September 2009! Is your day any different?
As for us it is special! firstly its my brother’s birthday and we are all having a party tonight! Secondly we will remember this day for our beloved sister-in-law Florence has a successful Eye Operation!
We are so blessed to have her with us for 2 months. she arrived on the 15th July and planning to return to the US on the 15th September! While she’s with us, I have a 2 month break from some marketing and cooking! Really thankful for little mercies from the Lord to send us Florence. I could enjoy the Beijing Olympics while she took over most of the marketing and cooking plus cleaning!
Rock and Florence
Today, this special 20082008 day, went past just like any normal day, since Florence will be recuperating at the home of Julie, another sister-in-law of mine. I have to do the marketing, cooking and cleaning for the next few days! Florence is so kind as not to burden me with an additional person to look after! Rock is busy cooking a storm in preparation of another sister of hers, Ruby, from Germany coming over for a family celebration and arriving next week!
Ruby
Julie and Hubby
Brain Vs Brawn
August 16, 2008 | By | In Buzz
Today the 36 year old swimming record of Mark Spitz of the US was equaled by another fellow American, Michael Phelps when Michael won the Men’s 100 meters Butterfly event this morning, beating Serbian Milorad Cavic by 100th of a second! Michael finished at 10.58 secs. while Cavic 10.59 secs.
It was such an exciting race but from this event I can see how Michael using his brain, won the race. Even as near as 3 meters from the finish, Cavic was ahead but during the final touch, Michael raised his hands above the water to make contact whereas Cacic hands were under water. Of course movements is faster in the air than in water and so Michael Phelps snatched victory with this simple act. Its a case of Brains over Brawn!
I would love to see Michael Phelps get his 8th Gold Medal in his last Team Event. Others are hoping that he won’t make it for they say he already won too many medals already. Well as for me I love to see records broken for such are the building blocks of Motivation! With these, the human race advances, always doing better and achieving higher goals! I will cheer for Michael Phelps for the sake of Progress! If he wins his 8th Gold Medal, it will break Mark Spitz’s record of 36 years and I wonder how long it takes to break Phelps record!
