The Walk of Life

Except for the wealthy, most people cannot afford to engage a full-time caregiver for an invalid parent or spouse. Many a times the job of care-giving is entrusted to the unmarried brother or sister who lives with the parent. In some cases to the remaining healthy spouse. The reasons are obvious and we all can understand. In such situations, the job of care-giving falls on you suddenly and you will be astounded, confounded or even feel trapped.

As the stroke survivor struggles to adjust to the frightening circumstances, the caregiver too struggles through the same process. The total change in life style in the sense of curtailed freedom, your time is now not your own, your retirement plan of traveling to faraway places all go out of the window or postponed indefinitely, gives you a feeling of being imprisoned.

The greatest challenge that I faced is not the lack of understanding about her struggles nor is it about being sympathetic, these two are easy. Many will donate to orphanages, or visit orphans but only a Mother Theresa will dedicate her life to serve them. It is developing a heart of compassion towards Rock's struggles, pain and depression that is the most difficult. Surprising? Yes even for spouses who are married for 35 years! It wrought in you much anguish in your soul before you begin to feel a tingling of compassion. When you feel that way, all your complaints ended and you experience a new sense of freedom and joy fills your heart.

Yes, with money we can hire the most professional caregiver, or even the best domestic help but you cannot buy compassion. Until I have traveled down this road I will never understand the meaning of having compassion!

Sunday is a day of rest for us! However this Sunday is exceptional and turned out to be quite busy. The usual morning Church but today we all had lunch in Church because following that was the Church's Annual General Meeting commencing from 2.00 pm right through to 5.00pm. Depending on the 'business' at hand sometimes or should I say in some years past it could go right up to 7.00pm!

While I was in Church, Rock had an accident. While going upstairs, she fell then rolled down the stairs for 4 or 5 steps. Thank God that she's fine except for a fright and a big swell at the back of her head and some aches at the hips and knees. All in all she is fine, no broken bones or fracture! After her fall, she sat on the floor for sometime and could not get herself up. She told me that she thought she had to wait till my return to help her up and that could be a few hours! Plugging up her courage and using all her strength she moved herself to a chair and raised herself up. Rock used what was taught to her by her Physio on how to get herself up in case she's down on the floor! Well, Rock learned well or else she had to wait for me.

By the time I reached home, she was happily at her desk in her bedroom upstairs again doing her 'Sudoku'! We had a good laugh over the whole episode. My, what a relief that Rock is not hurt or else her recovery will be further delayed. Thank God!

Rock had a Stroke on the 27th October 2005 and today the 9th April 2007, is exactly one year, five months and nine days. I have to say that as a full-time home caregiver, I have learned a couple of things through it all. I have compiled my personal experience in the form of an Acrostic Presentation or the ABC of Care Giving. These are the various moods and emotions that we experienced and they burst into our lives without warning.

A is for Appointments – the various medical check-ups, Physio and Occupational Therapy Sessions.

B is for Bills – additional Medical, Health Supplements, Special Food and some basic Equipment.

C is for Cooking and Chauffeuring – a new Job Specs added automatically in which I am least qualified especially cooking.

D is for Depression – something I have to learn to cope with, both hers and mine.

E is for Endurance – the bitterness, complaints, the low moods as well as physical exhaustion.

F is for Frustration – when progress seem painfully slow and the feeling of inadequacy to help in anyway.

G is for Grateful – that things could have been much worse if not for God’s Grace.

H is for Help – much needed and never turn down an offer.

I is for Inter-dependence – something we both learn from each other.

J is for Joy – when we see progress and an empty handicapped parking lot.

K is for Knowledge – about Stroke Recurrence, Health Food, New Treatment and Exercises.

L is for Love – lots of it since there is no remuneration, over-time or off-days.

M is for Money – need quite a bit of it to pay the bills.

N is for Nappies – plenty of them in the first two months.

O is for Oh my God! When I discover her on the floor!

P is for Prayer – need it very much to go through it all in one piece together.

Q is for Quantity – plenty of pills to take in the morning and evening.

R is for Rest – very much needed for myself for recharging.

S is for Sadness – when we see people going on holidays, jogging and the likes.

T is for Time – when can I be back to normal again?

U is for U-turn – something on the wish-list of a Stroke Survivor.

V is for Vacation – I wish this job have one.

W is for Weeping – we both do that out of sight when things look bleak and apparently impossible.

X is for Sex – what else do you think? We are not telling!

Y is for Yoke – something round my neck.

Z is for Zoo – the cage where we are locked-in since October 2005.

Care-giving is not for "sissies". It demands a self-sacrificial life, long hours, no-pay, no-perks, few or no-off days, and often called to attention on demand! A high percentage of caregivers experience 'depression' and even 'burn-out'. I reproduce this short excerpt from the American Heart Association as a tribute and an encouragement to you.

"You Are Here For A Reason"

In this particular time and place in your life......and perhaps the very specific challenges facing you right now are truly invitations to expand your capacity to be patient, courageous, flexible, forgiving, to make wise choices, to see things from a wider perspective and by embracing and growing through them, to become evermore fully the compassionate, insightful, aware, wise, deep and beautiful soul that you are truly meant to be.

By Caroline Joy Adams; The four principles I will live by as a caregiver:

1. I choose to take charge of my life.


2. I will love, honor and value myself.


3. I will seek, accept and at times demand help.


4. I will stand up and be counted.

Already more than a month since I started blogging and I am enjoying this new thingy! So much to learn, especially the 'tools' available to make the blog more interesting and user friendly. Also meet so many bloggers out there that are very inspiring, informative, helpful with all sorts of tips! Being a home caregiver to my wife Rock, I am quite house-bound. I need to research more about care-giving, health-tips, new medicine, health supplements as well as the need to connect with people beyond my four walls and blogging is one great way.

I came across these two sites home-caregiver resource and Steve from Michigan, which I find very informative. Do visit these two sites, especially if you are a home-caregiver and I am sure you will benefit tremendously.

By the way, I met Steve from Fuelmyblog where it is like the Great Wall of China with images of hundreds of bloggers pasted on its 'Wall'. Great place to see neighbors on the Wall and fellow bloggers! Categories consists of Main, Life, Business, All Sorts and Others. One exciting event that is coming is that "You can be appearing on TV or Radio" So if you have a blog add Fuel to power it into the world.