The Walk of Life

Time flies and especially so when you are busy! Every essential appointment seems to be all clustered within the first week of the New Year! Anyway there were times when I was just waiting at some Coffee Shop while dawn and rock did their shopping for ladies' things. As I  looked around me, I noticed how people  especially the younger ones, seem to be spending lots of time with their hand-phones sending short text messages.

I am sure you too do noticed young people nowadays seem to spend so much time on their phones not talking but doing text messaging! It seems like the in thing now. Even older people seems to be doing that! I was made to understand that many young people are ‘dating’ via text messaging! some girls do get into trouble through this text messaging thing!

Well, I can understand it is easy to say the things through text rather than face to face like for example “ U r so Hot". Psychologists seem to say that too much text messaging can make the transition to real-life relating slightly difficult. I have heard of this being mentioned by many mothers of teenagers.

I prefer the old fashion way of getting to know someone. Nothing compares with a face-to-face conversation. This way you can gauge the other person more accurately. Moreover physical meeting allows the chemistry to work so to say. However such meetings usually put the guys in a difficult position when asked a difficult question! If he takes too long to answer then the girl might think he is not up front with his answer! No time to think!

Face-to-face meeting gives you the advantage of knowing where you stand. Or you get a feel of what is the reality. With text-messaging, the other party can choose not to respond immediately but say half an hour later so that he can find the ‘right’ answer.

Of course I do text-messaging too like “Hey where do we meet” or “come quick, I need some cash”, but to build a relationship via text-messaging, it sounds unreal! Perhaps I am really getting old.

Firstly, I am no 'guru' in this area but I take seriously all my relationships with people. I do read a bit on the topic of Relationships such as between spouses, friends, others and also with our own children. The exponential increase in the rate of divorces all over the world is firstly alarming and secondly, rather frightening. I strongly believe that the whole social structure of the human race depends on the success of the basic institution of marriage and family. A breakdown at this level will eventually lead to a breadown in our societies.

I came across Dov Heller, a licensed psychotherapist with a private practice in Los Angeles and the Director of the Relationship Institute. For more information about Dov Heller please read her Biography which is quite respectable.

I read one of her many articles and I think is a very good guide to finding your spouse! I reproduced here so that others can get some great tips on the issue of finding and keeping your life partner!

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:

(1) You can grow together, or

(2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.

To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good and do the right '.

So ask about your significant other:

What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:

(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and

(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc..

How do they treat their parents and siblings?

Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?

You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse'. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones don't appreciate you?

Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations.

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'. Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)

7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

A buddy of mine, sent me an article on The Power of Gratitude and it was a very good read indeed. Since I was disconnected from the internet for about a week, I did some reflecting on what I have learned from that article. Then maezy another good friend, sent me something on appreciating your friends which was really an eye-opener and would like to share that here.

Friends generally come in three categories. Some come into your life for a Lifetime, some for a Season and they disappear, some just drop-in for a Reason.

I remembered missing a very good friend (PC) and spiritual mentor and when he migrated to Canada, initially I felt betrayed, a bit of anger and disappointment then. Do you have a similar experience? The saying that it is hard to say good-bye is so true.

Through the years as I matured emotionally, I begin to understand, these three categories and it was liberating to say the least. I realized now that if we understand which category our friends come under, it will grant us the understanding on how to relate to them and enjoy our relationship to the fullest. Our good-byes will be sweet, unforgettable and fills our hearts with such gratitude for the friendship.

Those that come into your life and stay for a lifetime are usually the ones we grew up with right from primary school to college. They are there whether it rains or shines and they are there at your wedding, anniversaries etc. They are your continuous source of encouragement, enjoyment and till death do us part sort of friends.

Then there are those who come into your life for a season, where now it is your turn to share, to grow with or learn. They bring you an experience of tranquility or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy and happiness. But they are there only for a season.

I am sure many of you do have friends who just come into your life for a reason. Be it some sort of ‘angel-like’ person who was with you through a difficult patch in your life, giving you support, guidance, a sweet and warm friendship. Then suddenly they disappear either due to circumstances, relocation, migration etc and that’s the end of that relationship apart from the occasional emails or letters, like PC. What we must realize is that our need has been met and their role completed and now it is time to move on.

All these three categories of relationships are the building blocks of a solid emotional foundation. I believe that it is our unction to accept the lessons, appreciate and be grateful for that person’s impact in our lives and propagate this friendship to all those who come into our lives afterwards.

Lastly, I must mentioned another category of friends who are like “spirits” for they suddenly come into your life, into the privacy of your own room. You may never meet them physically the rest of your days. They are the Bloggers! I was so touched by one who, even on holiday remembered me and a few others, ‘carved’ my name with corals under the clear waters of the sea! Such are the simple pleasures and joy of friendships that come into our lives.

All that I can say, with gratitude is “Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.”