English Boobs

August 6, 2008 | Leave a Comment

I am sure many of you have had read about the "Chinglish" used by the Chinese or Singaporeans or even Malaysians! We did enjoyed a good laugh at the way we Asians use the English Language. Usually we find these from the various Signs used in public places or shops! These Signs written in that way projects Misleading Statements! Hey! even the Birtts do make a mess of their own language. Time for a good laugh again! In a restroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In another office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Rate this:
2.5

Brain Teaser

June 7, 2008 | 8 Comments

Words fascinates me and especially how creative writers use them so very effectively, impactful, humourously etc. I admire writers for their ability to use Words to communicate their thoughts which truly enlightens the readers' minds. Ever since I watched the movie "My Fair Lady" back in 1960's what Prof. Higgins said about being able to tell the character and from where that person comes from, made me pay attention to what people say and how they say it. Before coming to the subject matter, I would like to pay tribute to the person who wrote these words and which gives me the opportunity to use them as a Brain Teaser! the words below are either single word or a few words, but they can be rearranged to other word or words that more or less has the same meaning, implications etc. For the adventurous reader, try them out and see what you can come up with but please don't look at the answers below for thats part of the fun! Here we go:-
  • DORMITORY
  • PRESBYTERIAN
  • ASTRONOMER
  • DESPERATION
  • THE EYES
  • THE MORSE CODE
  • SLOT MACHINES
  • ANIMOSITY
  • ELECTION RESULTS
  • SNOOZE ALARMS
  • A DECIMAL POINT
  • THE EARTH QUAKES
  • ELEVEN PLUS TWO
  • MOTHER-IN-LAW
THE ANSWERS
  • DIRTY ROOM
  • BEST IN PRAYER
  • MOON STARER
  • A ROPE ENDS IT
  • THEY SEE
  • HERE COME DOTS
  • CASH LOST IN ME
  • IS NO AMITY
  • LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
  • ALAS N MORE Z'S
  • I'M A DOT IN PLACE
  • THAT QUEER SHAKE
  • TWELVE PLUS ONE
  • WOMAN HITLER


Rate this:
2.5

Poetry in Passing Motion

February 3, 2008 | 12 Comments

Pardon me for being crude to share on a topic like 'Passing Motion'. Please bear with me for it is absolutely funny and brilliant how creativity comes to some people while doing that and in such a place is definitely wonder of wonders! Heard that song before 'Poetry in Motion'? Well not the title of a song but just a line from an old old pop song. I am sure many have experienced or the need to use a public toilet and discover a myriad of scribblings on the walls! Most are just filth but occasionally you find some rather interesting works there! I guess you are forced to read them since there is nothing much better to do inside there! Here are some very creative scribblings collected by anonymous! Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some bastard stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger. Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this... Here I sit Broken hearted Tried to shit But only farted Someone who had a different experience wrote, You're lucky You had your chance I tried to fart, And shit my pants! Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets. I came here To shit and stink, But all I do Is sit and think. There are also people who come in for a different purpose... Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to shit and stink, But I come here to scratch my balls , And read the bullshit on the walls... Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space....... (written high upon the wall) If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you. Ministry of Environment advertisement. We aim to please! You aim too! Please On the inside of a toilet door: Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance. And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant: The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly. And one from my own collection....found on a urinal in Japan! If it still leaks turn cock to the left!!!!!!!


Rate this:
2.5

Can you believe this?

January 11, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Received this short anecdote from someone last year and I think it is so funny! I am not sure this is true or not but it seems it was! Have a laugh! This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny..

NAME:

Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:

Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:

£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:

Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:

Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:

A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:

It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'dlike to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:

7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes, absolutely.



Rate this:
2.5

The English Wit

December 11, 2007 | 1 Comment

Firstly I would like to express my heartfelt thanks for all your comments on my post 'Are You A Good Detective'. Never have I received so many comments! You are truly our very best friends! Lately received many great articles, short stories from friends and some of them are really great stuff. Received this one today and would like to share the humour of a 98 years old English woman writing to her Bank and it starts thus :-

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1 - To make an appointment to see me. 2 - To query a missing payment. 3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8. 9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client,


Rate this:
2.5

Next Page »